Every day I get thousands of letters, fruit boxes and stripagrams from AFC readers who say “why so quiet?” or “What happened to the award-winning blog on equal parenting?” The answer is simple: I broke the “no reaching” rule.
When we embarked on this baby adventure, Tee and I agreed that for the first 12-18 months, and subject to review, we would not extend ourselves at work or in our careers.
Reach (verb):
1. To stretch out or put forth (a body part); extend: reached out an arm.
2. To touch or grasp by stretching out or extending: can’t reach the shelf.
3. To arrive at; attain: reached their destination; reached a conclusion.
No striving. No opting in. No leaning in.
This meant:
- No angling for promotions
- No putting your hand up for new responsibilities
- No performance bonuses
- No work travel unless absolutely unavoidable
- No networking events
- No new study or optional courses
- No dramatic career shifts
This sounds oppressive but I’m talking about an initial period of 12 months with a baby. For the “no reaching” period, you are agreeing: becoming a parent is an unavoidable reach in a different direction, which takes two fully committed people; and one reach is enough for a while.
It’s a commitment to being in it together.
How long?
That’s up to you. We had an initial deal of 14 months, with a review point at 12 months. It’s nice to align it with the calendar year/ financial year/ work performance cycles, if possible. At a minimum it should cover the entirety of parental leave. No reaching gives the person on parental leave that confidence that the working parent is 100% behind them – rushing home from work each day. Maybe it should be long enough for both to be back at work for 6 months – remembering that the first few months will be constantly interrupted by daycare disease.
But aren’t we all Leaning In now?
Ah yes, Sheryl Sandberg, Patron Saint of Ambitious White-Collar Women. In Lean In, Sandberg urged women to treat pregnancy and child-rearing as career on-ramp, not an off-ramp. This was a massive shift in the discourse in 2013. When I started writing this post, I thought: oooooh I get to contradict St Sheryl – brazen! But flicking through the book for the first time in eight years, actually there’s a whole chapter on “making your partner a real partner”. Good-o.
But the question stands: wouldn’t no reaching mean forgoing opportunities when a new mother is most at-risk of being side-lined? And shouldn’t a growing family seize every possible opportunity to secure their careers and finances? If that’s a genuine concern, sure. But for those who have a choice, the “no reaching” rule is a long-term investment in the foundations of a equal partnership – a partnership that will serve the woman very well in the long run, career-wise.
I broke the rule but I stand by it
There are two theories for returning to work after parental leave. The first is that you should return to a job you can do in your sleep – because you probably won’t be getting much of that at home. That’s safe advice for anyone navigating parenthood for the first time.
The second is to do something that challenges you – something with an irresistible pull, stronger than the pull to stay home with your child. I hear this a lot from Americans – and it’s probably sound advice if you (1) are a real thruster and (2) don’t have decent parental leave. #LeanIn
Navigating parenthood for the first time, I approached this with rare humility and lined up a role I could do with my eyes closed. But through a confluence of factors (getting plenty of sleep, having a stay at home spouse, returning to unenthused colleagues deflated by Covid) I quickly found myself restless. I lined up a transfer that would be more stimulating, but then also threw in one left-field job application on a whim – and got the job.
As Tee prepared to put Buddy in school and return to work, I jumped into a new role in a new sector. I’ve spent the past year working my butt off. And, for the first time in my career, thinking about work constantly. Not because I’m stressed, but because there are big problems to solve. It’s been a juggle. But it’s also been very affirming of my capability, my personhood, my identity as more than just a new parent. I’ve felt stimulated. And interesting! And I’ve grown.
No reaching? I lasted 9 months; Tee did the planned 14 months (with a BAU workload that was massive anyway).
But I stand by the rule. Next time I’ll line up a return to work that is a bit more stimulating, but the rule will hold.